Thursday August 2, 2012

Dear Diary,

The time was 8:34 pm when I started typing these first words. I am in my room in front of my PC. I am smiling, I am listening to the Beat 99.9 fm which is presently playing ‘Chris Brown –Don’t wake me up’ (hope that’s the name) and I just had an excellent dinner which was prepared by who else but myself. There, I have a perfect beginning, now it’s time to dive in.

The last time I typed in you dear diary was in the afternoon and I filled you in on what happened the day before. Now it’s time to fill you in on what happened today.

What happened today?

Well nothing remarkable happened in my life in the hours before 12pm. I woke up, I checked my facebook (thanks for accepting my friend requests) and I checked my email too (next time please send me messages on facebook because I hardly ever check Gmail), I had breakfast, watched some film and then I handed Naola over to the neighbours who weren’t too glad to have her because she enjoys feeding their dog chocolate. Then I set about cleaning up the house. Mommy gave me those instructions this morning because as you well know that my Uncle’s girlfriend is coming over and I found out that I got a giant’s task at hand. Oooo lemme see:

1.)    I cleaned up my room first (I never realized I live like some prehistoric librarian until now). The task started by 10 Am and I finished in 2 hours!

2.)    I cleaned up Naola’s room (I am ashamed to tell you that my tiny sister is cleaner than me). Didn’t spend 10 minutes in that room.

3.)    I swept the sitting room and dusted the furniture. (an hour or so)

4.)    I pursued a rat but that doesn’t count.

5.)    I fed the dogs but that doesn’t count.

6.)    I cut my finger. That doesn’t count too.

7.)    I arranged the books in the library shelves. I didn’t finish this task because that was when Uncle arrived around 2 with…

Of course she's not the girl but I solemnly declare that she has more curves than the girl in the picture. Gosh! She was the one D’banj saw that probably inspired him to sing ‘Endowed’. But I believe she’s all fake; as fake as Nicki Minaj.

So she sauntered into our house carrying some D&G bag, her hair was long (not as long as mine though) and she was dressed in a red knee length flowery dinner dress that smelled like Beyonce’s Heat (I have never took a whiff of the fragrance before though, just guessing). Uncle looked misplaced beside her and I am not just saying this because I dislike him. He was also all smiles and he introduced us.

Uncle: Hi Dakore. Did you really clean this place? Wow. (To his girlfriend) this girl is as lazy as a palm tree. She should have been born a boy.

Girlfriend: she is Dakore Boyo, right? (Her eyes have a way of rolling down at people smaller than her. She was even taller than my uncle and she had a faint Igbo accent.)

Uncle: Definitely. She’s the one I told you that love to draw ninjas and tortured animals.

Dakore: (to girlfriend) Hi, nice to meet you. You must be the girlfriend he finally decided upon.

Uncle: (he doesn’t understand my words for some seconds. Finally his eyes blaze) what?

Girlfriend: I like your niece. She is not shy. I don’t like shy people. Shy people are stupid. (Here she narrowed her eyes at me). Shy girls are even more stupid.

Dakore: You look like a model (I study her busts). Are you a model?

Girlfriend: Do I look like one?

Dakore: (mscheeew) Why else would I ask?

Uncle: (to me) stop looking there!

Girlfriend:  (her chin is now raised and she looks rather smug) I am not a model. Well one day I wish to be one. But not now. Right now I deal in beads and jewelry. I have partners in the fashion industry though. One day I will bring you my catalogue.

Uncle: Her name is Chidera (Real name withheld).

Dakore: (extending my hands) I don’t really draw Miss Chidera. I write. I write poems and stories and one day I wish to be…

Girlfriend: (to Uncle. She didn’t receive my hand.) The drive from the mainland was tiring. I need to rest. Do you have a bath tub in this house?

Uncle: (glad he is finally noticed) we do have one but it’s broken down so you’d have to use the shower. Come my dear. (To me) finish up with the book, will you. Look at the mess on the floor.

Dakore: (mock bow) you are very welcome.

Sigh. From the first moment I set my eyes on chidera I disliked her, and not just because her breasts were too big (well that contributes but only 40%) One day I will find a five year old picture of her and see how ugly she really looked before her make over. I will definitely post that online.

I still don’t understand why any girl would want to alter the body God gave to her just because some boy or some job demands she does so. It’s so stupid and expensive, and pointless because at the end you will be attracting the wrong sort of men. It’s also dangerous.

I am too young to be acquainted with the names of whatever process she put herself through but after studying Chidera for an hour I could conclude she altered her body in 4 ways:

a.)    The breasts:  Gosh! Those are epic killers. I think the process is called Lipo suction or something. They forced silicone bags into them and made them stand out (please tell me the name because I don’t know)

b.)    The backside: Another Killer, but not as big as the breasts.

c.)     The nose: Too damn straight

d.)    The stomach: too damn narrow.

She shut herself in Uncle’s room all day and refused to come out even when Naola returned home and asked to see her. I believe she was re adjusting her make over so as to look good for mommy (if this is so then she probably spends 5 hours or more every day on re-adjustments. Talk about pointless). Let’s now assume my uncle eventually marries her and she decides to take me out to an event. We would be the most desirable couple in the whole place! And I shall be seen on some random magazine standing beside her but almost invisible behind all her “arsenal”. Let’s not forget that magazine article writers like to post hurtful comments on some pictures. Just imagine if they wrote: “Super Mom standing with her daughter. How long will it take before the little girl beside her transforms into the woman beside her?”

Gosh

Embarrassing.

Thanks to Mr Warywatcher

This post was added around 12am Friday morning:  

Mommy returned home very late around 10pm because of traffic. Chidera is already asleep by then (or pretending to be) and could not meet her. I will let you guys know what went down

Till next time’

Dakore Boyo.